It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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