did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
