Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
