I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
