On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
