I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
