I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
