Is it because I queefed?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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