Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
