I feel like abortions should bother me more
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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