question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
