I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
