Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
