Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
