you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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