just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
