I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
