remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
