i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
