I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
