I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
