i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
