How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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