I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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