oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
