yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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