you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
