I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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