I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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