i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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