Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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