i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
