watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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