i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hippo gnu deer
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Randomize
