He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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