Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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