The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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