some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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