His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
