I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
