I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
