Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
