so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
