i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
if i died would you start the facebook group?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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