he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
