Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
God I need to hump something, right now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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