whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
