he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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