ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
