No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
