My sheets look like a crime scene.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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